The Fear

Fortt, Annette Gandy. Jacob and the Angel, from Art in the Christian Tradition, a project of the Vanderbilt Divinity Library, Nashville, TN.

Fortt, Annette Gandy. Jacob and the Angel, from Art in the Christian Tradition, a project of the Vanderbilt Divinity Library, Nashville, TN.

This week begins my first steps into whatever it is next for me. Last Friday, for those of you following along, I turned in my two week notice at my current job. I had grown weary of working at something that was definitely not my passion and was mentally draining. I needed a bit of a kickstart to refocus my passion and hopefully end up back on the path that I feel like I should be on. A path towards ministry of some kind.

Now it’s Tuesday, and the fear has started to set in.

I feel like this whole process so far has been like going skydiving. I had some immense excitement about the initial thought of it and with sharing the details with some of my friends. I felt a bit of that anxious excitement with the buildup to Friday like ascending on the plane must feel like. My nerves on Friday were haywire as I rustled up the courage to step into my boss’s office and deliver my resignation letter, almost like stepping into the window to jump.

Now that I’ve “jumped” I’ve had a sudden rush of fear come over me.

Fear mixed with a twinge of regret. What have I gotten myself into? What sane person would ever do this? I hope my parachute is okay? Do I even have a parachute? There’s a safety parachute, right? That plane ride sure was nice…

But, as with any skydive, once you commit it’s impossible to jump back into the plane. There’s no turning back and you might as well enjoy the ride and the view.

On Sunday afternoon I attended a meeting for my church where we voted in new elders and deacons. A few of the outgoing elders were given time to share about their experience. One after another they talked about stepping up and answering the call of God, even though at first they were resistant. Once they stepped out, they did not regret their choice. One of the new elders, a sweet older woman, talked about her calling as an elder and about the few times she’s served before. While I can’t recall the exact words she used, she spoke about how surrendering to God is one of the best ways to grow and learn how to live into what God has called us to.

I went up to her after and gave her a big hug and thanked her for her words.

Surrendering is never easy. Jumping out of a plane is crazy. But it’s only in those moments as you push through the fear, the anxiety, the doubts and questions when you learn what you can really tackle.

The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:28-31 (NIV)

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3 thoughts on “The Fear

  1. Thank you so much for this. I’ve been asked to stand for Vice Moderator of Presbytery (followed automatically with Moderator). I’ve been feeling unworthy, and tentative, but reading this I’m inclined to accept the nomination. Although it still feels scary.

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  2. This brought tears to my eyes. This is one of your fathers’s favorite scriptures. He quoted it often. Praying for you as you move through this time in your life. God will direct you, and I am just going to sit by and watch what He does. Of course I will help you on this journey, by just being available to your help when you need me. Love you

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